Tick. Tock.

"In fourth grade I had an excellent teacher; Mr. McClellan. He had the ability to engage my class in a way that made us excited about education. He expertly created an atmosphere that was fun and inspiring. Since then, I have made it my lifelong goal to become an educator and inspire students to learn in the same way that I was inspired."

That's how my Personal Statement for my Concurrent Education application starts.
Yeah. I just applied for Concurrent Education. Literally. I pushed the submit button like 5 minutes ago. I'm reeling.

As I previously have mentioned in my blog and as mentioned in the opening paragraph of my Personal Statement, it has been a lifelong dream of mine to be a teach. I've always wanted to, ever since Grade 4. I've always tried to find opportunities to lead, to teach, to assist in classes and find ways to learn and develop skills that I thought would be necessary and would aid my journey to realizing this goal of mine. Whether it be my experiences both in high school and university as a student leader, or volunteering with different organizations that allowed me interact with people of all walks of life, abilities and skills.

My dream has been to be a teacher. While some use high school as a time to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives, I used it to figure out HOW I'm getting there. Where to get my B.A.? Where to get my B.Ed? Concurrent or Consecutive? What grades should I teach? What subjects? Catholic or Public school? These were the questions that ran through my head every time I though of post-secondary education. 

Then Glendon came along. They had this amazing Concurrent Education program that specialized in French. I had already heard good things about York's education program and the fact that there was this small, beautiful bilingual campus offering a B.Ed with a focus on teaching in a French environment was mind blowing. 

I also however mentioned in a previous post about how I applied for Direct-Entry ConEd on my OUAC form but then ended up being too lazy to fill out the forms and get all the work done for it. I decided, I'll apply at the end of first year. 

The application has been open to me since about January. I knew the application was due March 21 (April 27 for Direct Entry)  but I kept putting it off. "I can do it later. I can do next week. There's still time." I kept putting it off. Here I am 38 hours before it's due finally submitting it. I started seriously working on it two days ago, with creating outlines of what I wanted to talk about in my Experience Profile and my Personal Statement. I decided to submit it today. I'd feel better if I didn't submit the day before so today was the day. Before I went to bed, I would apply for Concurrent Education.

I sat down to work on this at about 7 tonight. Why did it take so long? I had the outlines. I knew what to say. It was something I had prepared for all my life; talk about why I want to be a teacher, how my ideas of teaching were formed and expound on how my various experiences have assisted me in my career path. It should have been easy.

Then, as I put my mind to writing the last 500 words I needed to complete my application it hit me. I was procrastinating so much because... well... I was scared.

My entire life up until now has been leading up to this. I have known that the first major, concrete step to becoming a teacher was Teacher's College, and the program here at Glendon is perfect for me. 

Emotions came rushing in; fear, anxiety, happiness, relief, excitement and panic. What if I hadn't done enough? What if write something wrong? What if I didn't understand the requirements and I'm writing about something completely the opposite of what I want? What if I don't have enough experience?

I'm still trying to process it. However, I realize... now it's out my hands for now. My profile will be revised. I'll be (hopefully) asked in for an interview, and then a French proficiency test. But for now. There's nothing I can do. My references have sent in their letters. I've submitted my application. Nothing I do will make my application better.

I just took a major step in realizing my lifelong dream, and it's terrifying to think that I've sent this hope, wish, goal out into cyber space and the universe and into some stranger's lap. What if they don't see how passionate I am? What if I'm not a suitable candidate?

What if?

That question will drive you mad. You can spend hours imagining different scenarios that will play out in your life; however until you take a step into a direction, you'll never see which "What If" will play out. Life might throw you a curve ball, and there will be a new batch of What Ifs to ponder. 

But for now. It's just a waiting game. Tick. Tock.